Changing the Rules
by Watercolor-Dragon
Summary: Continuation of an early morning.....etc. Not R rated just yet. Watxtat!
1. Eavesdropping

Hello all! Sorry for the long delay. I was working on a story for the y-con anthology. Plus I have been trying to channel a less whiny Watari. I am continuing with the changing POV.

The usual disclaimers apply! Enjoy

Wc-d

**Changing the Rules**

A few late cicadas were buzzing in the trees as we made our way to the diet building. 003 flitted from tree to tree ahead of us marking our progress. Tatsumi and I strolled along in companionable silence, our shoulders inches apart. I sneaked a glance at him from the corner of my eye, wondering if I should speak, and if so, what I should say.

He looked at his watch and picked up his pace. I let him get a few steps ahead so we wouldn't arrive exactly together. He never asked me to do this, but I knew instinctively that he didn't want rumors, however true, to fly around the office. I watched his broad-shouldered form enter the building and followed after calling 003 down from her perch on an overhanging branch. She snuggled into the crook of my shoulder, sensing my melancholy, trying to offer some comfort. I took a deep breath and made my way toward the meeting room.

We were early, as I knew we would be. Even with our early morning activities, Tatsumi managed to get us to the office before anyone else.

_"So much for subterfuge, I could have groped him right in front of the building and no one would have seen."_

"What are you smiling about?" Startled, I looked up to find Tatsumi watching me with an amused expression. He seated himself on the edge of the table facing my chair. His arms crossed loosely in front of him. A stray lock of hair fell in his eyes and I longed to reach up and push it back into place. I didn't, of course, touching in the office was probably a cardinal sin in Tatsumi's mind. Instead I allowed an evil grin to creep across my face and waggled my eyebrows at him.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" His smile widened as he pushed the stray hairs behind his ears. He leaned over, his face inches from mine, until I thought my heart would stop beating. I could feel myself blushing and I squirmed a little under the scrutiny. He stood abruptly when we heard footsteps outside the door.

"Perhaps you'll tell me later Watari." He moved quickly to the front of the room as the door crashed open and Tsuzuki fell through.

_"We wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression now would we, Tatsumi."_

I squashed the unkind thought mercilessly and stood to help Tsuzuki up off the floor. Hisoka followed his partner in a leisurely fashion, yawning and rubbing sleep from his eyes. He frowned as Tsuzuki bounced across the room towards the pastries left over from yesterday.

"Baka, you've already had breakfast."

"But that was at least thirty minutes ago!" The violet eyes filled with tears as he looked longingly at the stale baked goods.

"Whatever, just don't expect me to care when you get a stomach ache." The small blonde poured a cup of coffee and slouched into a seat across from me. He bent his head to hide it, but I caught the brief smile that graced his usually somber face. Tsuzuki gathered his pastry and fell into a chair next to Hisoka, one arm resting along the back of the boy's chair. I envied them their easy familiarity.

"Hey Tatsumi, aren't you going to congratulate me? I'm on time today!"

"Perhaps I should be congratulating Kurosaki-kun. It was surely his doing."

Hisoka turned a deep shade of red and Tsuzuki wilted under Tatsumi's steady gaze. Then his blue eyes softened and my stomach did a sickening roll.

"Thank you for being on time today, Tsuzuki-san."

_"He will never smile at you that way in public, Yutaka. You should give up now, while you still have your dignity."_

My brain was giving me excellent advice, too bad I wasn't following it at the moment.

The meeting started as soon as Kanoe made an appearance, though Tatsumi did most of the talking as usual. I didn't mind. Listening to his cultured voice made meetings almost bearable. The content was lost on me however as I tried to sort through the distressing feelings from that morning. I started a list in my notebook as the agenda for the day was discussed. None of it had anything to do with me. I knew my plans for the day.

I jumped when a hand landed on my shoulder. I slammed the notebook closed and looked up into the concerned face of my best friend and now rival, Tsuzuki.

"Hey Watari, the meeting is over." He frowned and tapped my nose lightly with his finger. "That must be some formula you're working on. Just don't put it in the coffee, huh?" He chuckled and leaned back.

"No, I think I'll try the pastries this time." I smiled back. I couldn't be angry with Tsuzuki. It wasn't his fault, though he would think it was if I told him.

"Evil, mad scientist." He tugged at my braid and made his way back to the donuts.

I stood, flexing my fingers, and grabbed a cup of coffee. The clock over the door indicated that I should be heading over to the Exorcism department shortly, so I joined the mass exodus of employees and made my way towards the lab.

I was nearly to the door when I realized I had left my notebook on the table. I cursed loudly and hurried back to the meeting room, hoping no one had decided to read anything. Even if they had, with luck my handwriting would be illegible to them, but I didn't want to take any chances.

I skidded to a halt outside the staff room door, nearly knocking Hisoka down in my haste. He grabbed the wall to remain upright and I took a moment to catch my breath.

"Sorry Bon, I forgot my notebook and I'm in a hurry." He shrugged off the apology and turned the handle on the door to let us both in. I pulled him back into the hall when I heard Tsuzuki's voice, not really knowing why. Hisoka gave me a questioning glance but didn't attempt to enter.

"Ah, Watari left his notebook. He'll want this, I'm sure. I'll drop it off to him."

"Leave it. I have to see him before he leaves for the day. I'll see that he gets it."

Somehow I knew it would be Tatsumi in the room with Tsuzuki. Call it a sickening premonition. From the shuffling sounds he was clearing up his paperwork to take back to his office. I was about to release Hisoka's shoulder when they started talking again. A morbid curiosity filled me. What did those two talk about when they were alone? Hisoka must have been wondering the same thing. He blushed a bright crimson but made no attempt to give us away.

"So, Tatsumi, you and Watari have been coming to work together a lot lately, huh?" I heard the shuffling stop. I could almost picture the expression on Tatsumi's face. My heart started racing as I waited to hear what he would say.

"We live near one another Tsuzuki-san, occasionally our arrivals coincide."

"Hmmm, is that all? I don't know." Tsuzuki's voice took on a conspiratorial tone. "Come on Tatsumi, you can tell me, what's really going on? Are you two an item?" I let out a breath. I felt relief wash over me. So, Tsuzuki figured it out. He always was more perceptive than we gave him credit for. I turned to leave just as Tatsumi delivered his answer.

"Don't be ridiculous Tsuzuki-san, Watari-san and I are colleagues, nothing more. He means no more to me than any other employee in this division. Now stop this nonsense and get to work."

I could feel the shadows in the hall stir in response to Tatsumi's anger. I could also feel Hisoka's eyes on me, boring into my brain. I gave what I knew to be a sickened half smile and backed away towards the sanctuary of my lab, mumbling something about the time. Hoping I didn't do something incredibly stupid like cry. Knowing that Hisoka knew I wanted to anyway.

I reached the lab and slammed the door hard enough to rattle the glass. I pulled out my laptop case and jammed the computer into it, along with the files I had been working on.

_ "So I mean so little to him. So what. I knew he didn't love me. But , not friends even. He couldn't even admit to that."_

I was leaning over my desk trying not to vomit or scream when a light tap on the door announced a visitor.

"Come in." I kept my back to the door. I couldn't face anyone at this point.

"Watari, you forgot your notebook." A smooth, deep, cultured voice that I could listen to for hours and that had just moments before broken my heart.

"Oh, did I? Thank you. Just leave it on the counter." I didn't turn around. I heard him drawing closer. I smelled his cologne as he reached around me to lay the notebook on the desk. My eyes stung. I couldn't let him see.

"Will you be very late tonight?" My head jerked up in surprise. Hisoka hadn't said anything. He didn't know I had been eavesdropping. My surprise quickly turned to anger.

_ "He doesn't care about me. He's only using me. Well, not anymore. I'm not quite that pathetic yet."_

"I don't think tonight is good for me, Tatsumi. I've got a few experiments that I need to work on and I'll probably be here most of the evening." I tried to keep the tremor out of my voice. I avoided eye contact. If I looked into those eyes, I would give in. He shifted next to me and I could feel the warmth of his body through my coat. I swallowed the lump in my throat and resisted the urge to lean against him.

"Oh? Well, if you change your mind, I'll be home." He straightened and made his way to the door. "Don't overwork yourself." I heard the click of the handle as he left. A lonely sound causing a few tears to drop onto my shaking hands.


	2. Jumping to Conclusions

****

Sorry it has been so long between updates! Real life gets in the way sometimes!

small warning for language but hey it's rated R anyway! Thanks for the reviews! Enjoy!

**Jumping to conclusions**  
  
I finished my work for the evening and did my customary check around the office. The light at the end of the corridor beckoned and I approached the lab slowly.  
  
_"Perhaps I could convince him to break for a late dinner. He always forgets to eat when he's absorbed with an experiment."  
_  
Outside the closed door a large silver box hummed cheerfully. As I approached the sides slid open and long metal arms extended to block my way. A whirring noise emanated from deep within and the machine began to speak in a low grating voice.  
  
"All visits to the lab are prohibited. If you do not wish to be blown up or used as a test subject please return at a later date."  
  
"I need to speak with Watari-san, erm, please." I felt ridiculous talking to a box but the pincers on the end of the right arm looked lethal.  
  
"Your request does not compute. Watari sensei is deeply involved in a delicate experiment and cannot be disturbed. Please return at a later date. Thank you." With this the arms returned inside the box and the whirring noise silenced.  
  
I tried tapping on the top and getting no response, reached gingerly for the door handle. Just as my finger closed around the knob a wire snaked from the back of the box and slapped my hand away.  
  
_"I guess he really doesn't want to be bothered."  
_  
I was surprised by how disappointed I was. After all, I had eaten dinner alone for many years and Watari had no obligation to spend every evening with me. Still, the prospect of a quiet evening alone didn't hold the appeal it once had. I turned and made my way from the building leaving the box to his sentry duty.

* * *

I decided a long hot bath was in order. I spent a long time soaking away the soreness in my shoulders, the result of a long day spent hunched over the division budget. I tried, with limited success, not to think of how much I would prefer a massage from nimble fingers. The water was tepid by the time I finally emerged, donning thin cotton pants and toweling my hair dry. I wandered aimlessly around the house for a time, picking up the evening paper only to put it down a moment later.  
  
_"When did you forget how to be alone, Seiichirou?"_I laughed at myself and moved towards the kitchen to make dinner.  
  
The knock on the door startled me. I glanced at the clock and frowned. It was fairly late and I wasn't expecting anyone. A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth as I made my way to the door.  
  
"Did you change your mind?" I called. "Since when do you knock....."  
  
The words died on my lips as I opened the door to find a dripping Tsuzuki standing on the small porch. The rain had started a few hours earlier, and from the looks of his clothes he'd been standing in it for a long while. I was too shocked to speak and he brushed pass, kicking off his shoes and jacket as he entered.  
  
"It's aweful Tatsumi! He kicked me out again. I was only worried about him and now he hates me I'm sure....." The words became lost in heavy sobs and tears dripped onto the carpet along with the rain. I stifled a sigh and turned him towards the bathroom.  
  
"Now, now Tsuzuki-san, I'm sure he doesn't hate you. Why don't you get out of those wet clothes and then you can tell me what you've done to anger Kurosaki-kun this time." I pushed him through the door, all thoughts of a peaceful evening gone.  
  
Tsuzuki stepped out of the bath wearing one of my robes, carrying his wet clothes. He shuffled into the laundry room and I heard the dryer start. I had made tea and handed him a cup as he sat on the couch. His eyes were still red and he turned the mug in his hands looking dejectedly at his feet.  
  
"Sorry, Tatsumi, I didn't know where else to go. You aren't busy or anything, are you?"  
  
"No, I'm not busy. What makes you think Kurosaki-kun hates you? It is him you were speaking of earlier, correct?" I sat down next to him on the couch, watching as he collected his thoughts. The situation was surely much less dire than he seemed to think, but he was clearly upset, so I just smiled and gently patted his hand. I hoped it would encourage him to start speaking.  
  
As the words tumbled out of his mouth, it took a considerable effort to focus on his problem. I realized as he spoke, that I had been anticipating a different face on my doorstep that evening, and that I was disappointed when it turned out to be Tsuzuki instead.  
  
".....so I tried to get him to tell me why he wasn't feeling well and he kicked me out! What do I do? Tatsumi?" I looked up as he finished his tale, trying to appear as if I had been listening intently all along.  
  
_"What is wrong with you! This is Tsuzuki. You love him, right? You want him to be happy. How can you think of someone else when he is in pain and needs you?"  
  
_I shook my head and turned toward the man sitting next to me. He had both hands in his hair and his robe had come undone from his fidgeting. I pulled his hands down and grasped them lightly by the wrists.  
  
"Tsuzuki-san, calm down. Maybe he just caught some upsetting thoughts from someone. You worrying was probably making his head hurt and he snapped at you. Give him the evening to put his shields back in order and I'm sure he'll accept your apology tomorrow."  
  
"Do you really think so? He was so mad." Tsuzuki freed his hands and started twisting them in his lap. He bent his head down and I could no longer see the expression on his face. I leaned closer and tilted his head up. Tears still shimmered in the violet eyes and his lips were trembling. I could tell he was going to start crying again. I reached to wipe away the trail of moisture already tracking down one cheek when he lunged toward me and threw his arms around my neck. Shocked, I grabbed his waist to keep from falling over. He sobbed into my shoulder and I held him, stroking his back until he stopped.  
  
"Tatsumi, can I stay here tonight? I don't want to go back to my place without Hisoka." He sighed a few times and turned his head onto my shoulder, his breath tickling my neck. I tightened my grip, moving one hand up to stroke his hair.  
  
"Of course, Tsuzuki-san. I'll make up the bed in the spare room for you." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. He snuggled closer and I leaned back to make myself more comfortable. I knew he wouldn't be ready to go to bed anytime soon. He'd worked himself into a panic and would require comfort for a while longer.

* * *

The rain started up again, pounding on the roof, thunder vibrating the windows and lightning crashing immediately after. Storms in Meifu were infrequent but made up for this with their intensity. I didn't hear the door swing open, or the light footsteps making their way into the house.  
  
"Tatsumi, get me a towel would you?" The voice coming from the entryway called. "I'm soaked and I don't want to drip all over the......"  
  
His voice trailed off as Watari stepped into the living room, long hair dripping onto the wood floor. His eyes widened and he started backing up, shaking his head.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had company," he blanched.  
  
Tsuzuki raised his head from my shoulder staring from me to Watari.  
  
"Watari, what are you doing here?"  
  
Watari's golden eyes flickered hurt and anger before he answered.  
  
"Oh nothing at all, I live near here so I thought I'd just pop in until the rain stopped, but you two are obviously busy so I'll just be going home." He turned quickly on one heel and fled.  
  
I stood and hurried to the door after him, catching his arm as he dashed out into the rain.  
  
"I'm glad you didn't have to spend the evening alone Tatsumi. It must be nice to have Tsuzuki with you instead of settling for me all this time."  
  
I was too shocked to speak. My mouth moved to form a protest, to tell him it wasn't what it seemed, that he wasn't settled for. He jerked his arm free and turned, arms clutched around his body.  
  
"Tell me one thing before I go. All those times, when you looked at me, were you seeing me? Or were you just comparing me to him?" He nodded his head towards the open door where Tsuzuki stood staring.  
  
"Watari I never...." I held my hands out in supplication. The words wouldn't come.  
  
"Well?" His body was rigid. The rain kept pouring down and he just stood, chin up, eyes locked on mine, waiting.  
  
I glanced briefly back towards the house. Tsuzuki had disappeared inside somewhere. I raked my hands through my hair. Searching for what was demanded. The truth.  
  
"What am I to you, Tatsumi? Your friend, lover, colleague, what? Or am I just a convenient fuck when Tsuzuki isn't available?"  
  
The harsh words stung like a physical blow. I swallowed. The rain coursed freely over my bare skin and I could see him starting to shiver. I took a deep breath.  
  
"I don't know." My shoulders sagged under the weight of those three words. I watched his face crumble and I wanted so badly to take them back, but it was the truth and I could never lie to Watari.  
  
"I see."  
  
He vanished, teleporting without another word, leaving me standing alone in the rain.

* * *

I threw myself dripping into the recliner, not caring that I was ruining the leather. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes.  
  
_"Well, that's it. You were worried about driving him away and now you've done it. Congratulations, idiot_."  
  
A towel smacked into my face and I opened my eyes to find Tsuzuki buttoning his now dry shirt. I covered my head and began roughly drying my hair, avoiding eye contact. I felt, more than saw him sit down on the ottoman and scoot closer to me.  
  
"You should change. You'll ruin your chair." I mumbled a negative and looked up when his hand touched my knee. 003 was sitting on his shoulder. The little owl must have followed her master inside earlier and been left behind in the confusion.  
  
"You let him leave? He seemed very upset."  
  
"I didn't have a choice. He teleported."  
  
"Tatsumi, what's going on? That was not the reaction of a colleague just stopping to get out of the rain." His expression was a mixture of concern and reproach.  
  
"He thought you and I were...."  
  
"Still," he interrupted. "He was hurt and angry, not embarrassed." Violet eyes bore into my skull and I looked away. Strong fingers pulled my head around to meet Tsuzuki's gaze.  
  
"Watari and I, for several months now, have been seeing one another outside of work. Satisfied? You were right." Now it was my turn to be angry. "He told me he was busy this evening with an experiment. I wasn't expecting him." I stood and stomped to the bedroom, returning in dry clothes.  
  
Tsuzuki had gathered his jacket by the time I returned. I sat heavily on the sofa and he passed 003 to me. She settled into the curve of my shoulder and I ran a finger over the soft feathers on her head.  
  
"Why didn't you just tell me, Tatsumi? I wouldn't have asked to stay if I knew."  
  
"It did not seem appropriate at the time, Tsuzuki-san. You were upset and...I don't know, I just couldn't." He sighed deeply and shook his head, gathering his jacket and searching around for his shoes  
  
"Let me talk to Watari. My fuda birds can track him." He turned to exit the house, pausing when I called out to him.  
  
"He'll be by the water somewhere. He says the sound of waves helps him think." I rested my head against the back of the sofa, closing my eyes. I forced the words around the lump forming in my throat. "Take my jacket. It might be raining on earth and he didn't have one on."  
  
I opened my eyes when he rested a hand on my hair, smoothing it away from my face. "You should think carefully about what you want from him, Tatsumi. Watari is special; he deserves someone who loves him." With that he closed the door and left me to my unsettling thoughts.


	3. Discussion

I'm back after a long hiatus. Sorry it has taken me so long to update. I just started grad school. Too much reading that doesn't involve Yami no Matsuei! As always, thanks for the reviews.

Wc-d.

**Discussion**

Waves crested and smashed into the rocks near my feet with a satisfying sound. The churning of the sea seemed to mimic my thoughts and I relished the solitude of the empty beach. Closing my eyes and focusing on the wind and water I didn't hear his approach. A jacket dropped over my shoulders and seconds later Tsuzuki flopped onto the beach nest to me. He kept silent for a few minutes as I rearranged the coat to cover my shoulders. Tatsumi's, I could tell by the scent of his cologne lingering along the collar. I inhaled deeply and let out the breath in a quiet sigh.

"The rain has almost stopped. I can see the moon now." Tsuzuki leaned back to look up at the sky. Then he turned his gaze towards me. "You know nothing happened, right Watari?" He looked away quickly, sheepishly.

"Yes, I suppose I do."

"I sense a but." He looked at his hands, rubbing them lightly together.

"but only because I know how much you love Bon."

"What about Tatsumi?"

"I know how much he cares for you." I looked away so he wouldn't see the tears forming at the corners of my eyes. I didn't want his pity and I knew he already felt guilty.

"Watari, I'm really sorry. I should have known."

"How could you? It's not as if he's told anyone." I was surprised by the anger I could hear in my voice.

"You didn't tell anyone either." His voice held a slight reproach.

"I wanted to, really, but it didn't feel like my place. I didn't think I had the right to assume he wanted anyone to know. And then this morning...." I let the sentence trail off. I wasn't sure if Hisoka had mentioned our spying.

"This morning what?"

I took a deep breath before answering, trying to let the sound of the ocean calm me and still the pounding in my head.

"You asked him about me. I forgot my notebook, remember? I went back for it and I heard. He told you I meant nothing to him. The same as every other employee, right."

"He didn't mean that, Watari. I pressed him and he was angry. He just wanted to shut me up."

"Really? I don't think so. I was convenient and willing. Perhaps he was bored."

"That's not true and you know it. Tatsumi doesn't take advantage of friends."

"The truth is that he couldn't bear to tell you, Tsuzuki. He still loves you. There isn't room for anyone else."

"Loves me? I think you give me too much credit. He cares about me, sure. Maybe he thought he loved me once, but I don't think so." I snorted. He turned and grasped my shoulder. "I'm serious, Watari. When I died, I was a wreck. Tatsumi got stuck with me as a partner. He feels responsible for those under his care. He felt obligated to help me. I said before he doesn't take advantage of his friends. So where in that equation is there room for love?"

"Unrequited love, the worst kind." I put my head down on my bent knees, hoping he would take the hint and leave me to my misery. Instead he shoved hard and I sprawled out onto the sand. I looked up into the angry face of the man I generally consider my best friend.

"Are you determined to be miserable? It isn't like you to be so pessimistic."

"Well, when you walk in on your lover and your best friend in various states of undress and said friend also happens to be first in your lover's heart, optimism kind of flies out the window."

He threw himself backwards, hands flying up over his head. We lay like that for awhile, silently contemplating the clearing sky.

"Hey Watari."

"Hmmm"

"Who started it anyway?"

"Surprisingly enough, he did." I chuckled involuntarily at the memory.

"Good memory?"

"Yes."

"Care to elaborate?" I could hear the grin in his voice. I elbowed him in reply.

"Guess not." He rolled onto his side to look down at me. One hand reached up to play with a wayward strand of my damp hair. He rolled it between his fingers, tugging gently.

"He was worried when I left. He sent the jacket because you weren't wearing one. He's probably still sitting on the couch holding 003."

"Ah! I left her! I was so angry and hurt. I wasn't thinking very clearly." I reached up to lay a hand against his cheek. He leaned in closing his eyes. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't do anything wrong. I only recently realized how much I wanted him to love me. It's no one's fault that he doesn't."

"Are you so sure about that, Watari?"

"I asked him what I am to him. He said he didn't know."

"Ouch."

I closed my eyes, knowing that he could see the tears and that he would understand.

A cool hand wiped across my cheek. "I'm not making excuses for him, but consider this. If all you have known in life or death is duty, obligation, and responsibility, would you know love if you found it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You thought he might love you, right? What if he just doesn't have any idea that what he feels for you," he held up a hand to stop my protest. "don't argue, I know he feels something, you didn't see his face earlier. Any way, what if he doesn't know it's love?"

"You are a hopeless romantic Tsuzuki Asato."

"Probably. So now what?"

"I go get my owl, apologize for jumping to conclusions, and I guess we'll see."

"So I guess a drunken groping and make-out session is out of the question, huh?"

I punched him and then we both headed back to Meifu.


	4. apology

Hello again looks around sheepishly Yes it has taken me way too long to finish this and the title of the chapter works in more ways than one. I'm not happy with the conclusion. It's rushed and far too sappy, but Grad school is eating my brain and Watari won't stop being weepy for me. So I decided to end it before it got ridiculous. I promise the next one will be better. Send me flames, I deserve them. Anyway, I hope you don't die from sappiness.

Wc-d

**Apology**

    I hadn't bothered to turn on the lights after Tsuzuki left. It seemed fitting that I should be sitting in the dark, 003's tiny form huddled against my neck. I heard the door open and a figure appeared, silhouetted by the moonlight through the window.

    "Did you find him?"

    A lamp near the armchair was switched on, blinding me briefly and washing the room in harsh fluorescent light. I rubbed at my eyes, not quite believing what they were showing me. Watari stood uncertainly just outside the circle of the lamp's glow. His face was in shadow and my raincoat was draped over one arm. His hair and clothes were still damp from the rain and his features were carefully composed into a blank mask. My heart leapt into my throat at the sight of his usually confident posture hunched in uncertainty. I swallowed and searched for words but he started speaking rapidly instead.

    "Uh, yes, he found me. Thank you for the coat, it was raining harder than I expected." He moved to hang the jacket on a hook by the door and I stood to follow him.

    "Watari, I ....."

    "Wait, Tatsumi, let me talk first. I came back because I owe you an apology."

    He was still facing the coat hooks smoothing his hands down the sleeves of the jacket. I stared at his stiff form, incredulous. _He wanted to apologize to me?_

    "If anything, I think I should be the one to apologize, Watari."

    "No, I jumped to conclusions and caused a scene, and anyway, it's not like we were dating."

He turned and gave me a weak smile. I sucked in a sharp breath at the pain I could see in his fever bright eyes.

    "Still, I never wanted to hurt you." I tried to touch him, draw him closer so he could feel my sincerity, but he dodged my arm and wandered over to the window.

    "I did a pretty good job of that all by myself, Tatsumi." He laughed humorously and placed one pale hand against the glass.

    I scrubbed roughly through my hair and sighed. "I don't know what to say to you. I know how it must have seemed but truly, nothing happened."

    "I know, Tsuzuki explained. I had to apologize to him too. It's my fault Bon was so upset today."

    "How?"

    He stiffened briefly and then released a ragged sigh. "I heard you this morning." At my bewildered look, he elaborated. "In the break room with Tsuzuki."

    Realization hit me like a club. He had heard me say that he meant nothing to me and then walked in to that scene.

    "I only wanted to shut him up." Even to my own ears, it sounded like what it was, an inadequate excuse. I had said something unforgivable, made him out to be something inconsequential. I wanted to scream that it wasn't true, that I hadn't meant those damning words, but I could only stand silently, palms raised in supplication, hoping he could forgive me.

    "It doesn't matter. I told you at the beginning that what you could give me was enough, it's my own fault that I wanted to change the rules." He squared his shoulders and turned to face me, having made some internal decision. I backed warily until my knees hit the edge of the sofa. Suddenly, I was sitting, staring up at him as he closed the distance between us. He reached down to remove 003 from where she perched on my shoulder.

    "Hey girl, I'm sorry I left without you. Why don't you go and hunt for a little while, huh?"

    He stroked her heathers briefly and then turned to open the window and release the little bird into the night.  I wondered if I should stay seated, my hands gripped the sofa cushions white-knuckled. I had never in recent memory felt so uncertain. I knew I should be relieved, if he left me, my life could go back to normal. I wouldn't be struggling with feelings better left unexamined.

    A light touch to my hair snapped me back to the present. Watari was next to me again, I brought my head up slowly, unwilling to face the pain I knew I would see in his gaze. His fingers caressed my cheek and unconsciously I leaned into the touch. I stilled the hand with one of my own and kissed his fingers. A tired sigh escaped his lips and he blinked back new tears before he started to speak.

    "Tatsumi, I need to tell you why I was so quiet this morning. I'm sure I've already managed to ruin everything between us but just hear me out, OK?" I nodded pulling him closer until he stood between my legs, his hands resting on my shoulders.

    "You didn't ruin anything, Watari. I should have sent him home. I should never have said what I did. You make me happy. I didn't want to share that with him." As I spoke the words, I knew they were true. I had wanted it to be Watari at my door that night. I put Tsuzuki off with a lie because I didn't want to share my happiness with anyone. I didn't want to see the hurt in my former partner's eyes mixed with guilt because he hadn't been able to make me happy in the past. And now my own guilt for being happy while Tsuzuki was so miserable was causing me to lose the source of my happiness. I wanted to cry in frustration, instead I reached slowly for Watari's hands and stood, pulling him close. He tried to move away but I tightened my grip. I breathed in deeply, the scent of rain and the sea and something that was uniquely Watari giving me courage.

    "Please forgive me. I know I don't deserve it. I haven't given you any reason to stay with me but...." I didn't get to finish my sentence. He pushed me away roughly, clutching his arms around his body and backing away, shaking his head.

    "Don't, just please don't. Can't you see, Tatsumi, I LOVE YOU. If you can't say the same about me, and I stay with you, I'll lose all respect for myself. You wouldn't be able to respect me either. Where does that leave us?" He spat the last sentence out as if it was poison, his face twisted in agony. I rocked back, the force of his confession like a physical blow. I took a step towards him and he backed away, sobbing now.

    "You love me? How? When? I don't understand."

    He emitted a sharp bark of laughter that pierced my ears. "No, I didn't think you would." He pushed at his hair with a trembling hand and threw himself into a chair. He didn't look at me as he continued to speak, choosing instead to glare out the window.

    "To be honest, I don't know when. I guess I always considered you a potential playmate." At this, he chuckled and cast a shy grin I my direction. My mouth went dry and I found myself wanted to trap him beneath me and kiss him slowly until we both lost all memory of this horrible day.

    "Those suits you wear just make everyone want to know what's underneath them you know."

    "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

    An indignant snort, "Come on Tatsumi, everyone knew you were madly in love with Tsuzuki." He sighed again, "I guess I just never thought that I could compete with that."

    "What changed your mind?"

    "Oh please, as if you don't know. Does you licking honey off my hands ring a bell?" He finally turned to stare at me, eyebrow quirking as I felt my skin warm in a blush.

    "But you didn't love me then."

    "I think maybe I did, a little. I convinced myself it was just sex, that's why I always went home at first. If I stayed with you it meant something else. I knew you didn't love me, but I was weak. I couldn't stay away." His light, teasing tone was gone, replaced again by melancholy.

    "I am sorry Tatsumi, I know you didn't want this. I'll just get my things. I hope someday we can be friends again." He stood to leave, angling his body so I couldn't see the tears forming in his eyes.

_    Say something moron, or he'll leave._

    "Wait, please, Watari. You can't leave now. I admit this is surprising. I never imagined you felt so deeply for me, but I don't want you to go. I know that."

    "I can't stay, Tatsumi. It would hurt too much. I'm not able to be second choice." He shrugged, "too selfish, I guess."

    "You aren't second choice." I tried to put all my feelings into that brief sentence, hoping he could believe me.

    "What are you saying?"

    I took a deep breath, approaching slowly, hands outstretched. I felt him tense when I finally grasped his shoulders. I pulled him tight against my chest, turning him in my arms to face me. I grasped his chin and forced him to meet my gaze. His bottom lip trembled and he bit down on it to hide his fear.

    "Please, Tatsumi, don't do this. I can't, please."

    "Shhh, just listen." I stroked his back in long, soothing passes. He shuddered and closed his eyes, giving in, expecting to be hurt. My throat tightened.

    "I have only ever had responsibility and obligation in my life. I equated love with those things and over time guilt was added to the mix. The happiness and affection you gave me so freely scared me. I thought that I loved Tsuzuki because I felt responsible for him and as his partner it was my duty to protect him. When you asked me what I thought of you tonight, I gave you an honest answer. You don't fit any of my definitions, Watari. I expected guilt, there was none. I wanted to be with you. It wasn't an obligation. Was it love? I didn't know then, I still don't."

    I placed a finger to his lips when he tried to speak. "No, just listen. I want to tell you what I do know." I couldn't help but chuckle at the glare he shot me.

    "I know that you make me look forward to everyday because I get to wake up with you in my bed. I know that I laugh more and brood less. I know that I want to touch you all the time and when I can't I am thinking about it. I know that I don't want to lose what we have."

    He had stilled as I spoke, amber eyes wide and vulnerable. I released him and stepped back, expecting him to leave. He was quiet a long time, just watching me, considering. He seemed to make a decision and turned to walk towards the bookcase. He stood in front of it for a time before selecting a book. I sat down on the couch confused. He walked back across the room turning the pages of large dictionary. He found what he was looking for and placed the tome in my lap.

    "Tsuzuki and I had a long talk on the beach tonight. I didn't want to believe his words at the time but now I think I want them to be true. No, I don't think, I know." He timidly sat next to me and pointed to an entry.

    "Read this one, Tatsumi." I looked at the characters written in bold type: Love.

    "Is that what you feel for me?"

    I looked up at his anxious face. The dictionary slid to the floor as I dragged him into my lap. I smoothed back his hair and tilted his head, placing soft kisses along his jaw. He wiggled a bit and I groaned, claiming his mouth with mine. He broke the kiss abruptly, and I swallowed, trying slow my rapidly climbing pulse.

    "What?"

    "I need to hear you say it."

    "Ah," I teased lightly, "I love your kisses?"

    "Not that, though it is good to know."

    "I love your hair." I punctuated this remark by running my hands slowly through the thick golden strands. He huffed angrily, pouting.

    "I love it when you pout. It makes me think of your kisses."

    "Tatsumi!" I caught his hand as he tried to punch me, laughing. I pushed him back onto the couch one hand on either side of his face. I leaned in and kissed him again before speaking.

    "I love you, Watari."


End file.
